


Johnny Drunkcop

by Fniff



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Dialogue-Only, Gen, I'm Sorry, Inner Dialogue, Kim's Not In This One, Screenplay/Script Format, Slice of Life, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:53:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25923136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fniff/pseuds/Fniff
Summary: Harry just failed the endurance check needed to take down the body, so he's going to buy some wine to take another try at it. Question is, which wine?
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	Johnny Drunkcop

Alright, Johnny Vomitcop, if you can’t pull a body down, maybe you just need a shot of that mesque courage. Kim's gone to bed, and I told Volition to go take a hike, so all you need to do is just walk up to that counter.

"Hello. I’m an alcoholic."

"Cool?"

Just buy the booze already.

"What is your selection of..."

Beer and spirits are out: it's not '32, and you're neither a student nor a scumbag. Order wine, like a functional member of society.

Seriously? 'Functional member of society'? You're not even a functional alcoholic.

Look, we can't have the citizens of this town thinking an officer of the law is some sort of drunk.

He just said to the clerk...

"... Wine?"

"*sigh* We have Cunning Fossil (✤1.99), Commodore Red (✤4.99), Classique Noir (✤7.99), Canyon Pine (✤11.99), Common Flamingo (✤15.99), Cruel Sky (✤21.99), and Cool Green (✤49.50)."

Cruel Sky is a good brand, if a tad expensive. It might be your favorite, actually.

Stings like rejection, tastes like heartbreak!

So that’s why I have no money.

Buy four of the cheapest. This has to last you through the investigation, and only for emergencies.

Ho-kay. "Four Cunning Fossils, please."

Are you shitting me? That’s sugary ape piss. Get the good stuff!

"WAIT NO. Mm."

Buy something in the middle, then. Not too expensive, not too cheap. 

So that would be...

Of the prices listed, the mean is ✤3.50: Canyon Pine or Classique Noir. The median is ✤15.20: Common Flamingo or Canyon Pine again.

Canyon Pine, then, it is the common denominator.

Is Canyon Pine any good? What about the other two?

Common Flamingo is hen parties, Classique Noir is jazz dads, and Canyon Pine is what you gift people when you don’t know their taste in wine.

Perfect. I don’t know *anything* about myself. "Bottle of Canyon Pine, please."

Treat yourself! Three bottles!

Yeah! "Make it three bottles!"

Three bottles is ✤35.97.

We cannot afford that. One bottle.

"No wait, one bottle."

Three bottles or I’ll turn this into a stickup.

There is no way you can get away with sticking up a Frittte.

Disagree. That alarm’s clearly fake, there’s no guards, and do you honestly think *this girl’s* taking a bullet for *this shithole*? Hell no.

Sire, why don't you stick thy hand in thine cloak's pocket and say no, I am not NOT pleased to see thee?

A seasoned storekeeper like her wouldn’t buy that for a second! However, she would relinquish the wine, since you don’t need a gun to ruin her life. You are, after all, the law.

Quit overthinking it, son! Rip the cash register out of the counter then run like the wind, you can do it!

You seriously believe he can tear ten pounds of metal screwed into solid plastic with a bad back and a paunch?

You calling me a liar, puzzle-face? Drop and give me twenty.

No. I am not one of your students, you are not my coach, we are not in gym class, we are imaginary constructs created by a deeply lonely man, and I demand we all start acting like it!

What’s the hold up? The wine’s right there!

One bottle, and no more!

Three! No, ten! A hundred! A thousand!

Two bottles?

Hm. You know what? Deal!

"Two bottles, please."

"That’ll be ✤23.98."

Well, we now have two bottles we will drain in minutes and fifteen cents. When it comes to cash for the room, what are our options?

Sex work?

Sex work from who, brainstem? Garte? Evrart? Joyce? Bag tare and sell junk to Roy, same as before. Now don't pop that cork just yet, Johnny Drunkcop, it’s eleven o’clock and you already know it’s gonna be a long day tomorrow.

What, we're not even gonna drink it tonight?!


End file.
